Great story
I really liked it and you had some great ideas in it. I do think that the art could have been better. At times the body proportions were really off and then sometimes they were dead on. I think that a little more time developing the characters look might have helped as well. The animation was stiff and jerky but there were points in where there were some good expressions but I feel that you were being a little timid. Don't be afraid to exaggerate movements and facial expressions. I also commend you on taking such a huge project but I would love to see this revised once your skills have been polished up a bit.
Hope that helps.